Can I be honest? I struggle so much with judging myself...my looks, what I have (or don't have), and my success level and sadly I do often judge it based on the worlds standards. More often than not I see someones beautiful house or their children or their impressive jobs and I am envious. God has been humbling me though. The reality that countless children in third world countries don't have homes or families...and yet I get envious because someone has a nicer house than I do. I should be on my knees thanking God for what he has given me. I don't go to bed hungry or cold, I have a job, I have a car, I have a loving family, I have freedom. What right do I have to complain? If only I could keep this grateful attitude all the time.
While I am being open and honest...I am wondering if I will ever stop trying to please my parents (especially my mom). I absolutely love my mom and to this day I can't stand that thought that I have disappointed her, or that I am not everything she wanted me to be, or that she questions my abilities. Of course this could all be in my head, but doesn't make it easier to think about. Maybe it will never stop...at the age of 26 I still get uncomfortable around mom if I am wearing anything I think she wouldn't approve of (summer clothes such as halter tops or bikini's). What is that about?! I know that my mom wants the very best for me, she always has...but it can be stressful because it makes me feel that what I am doing is not good enough. I use to think my perfectionism came from my dad, but now I am second guessing that just a little:-)
Ok, so consider this a therapy session because now I am getting so much "out" that I haven't really thought about....You know what is funny about my childhood? I never remember getting spanked. My mom says it's because I never did anything that deserved a spanking (my brother on the other hand got one almost daily). I know why I never did anything that deserved it....I wanted to please my mom so badly. If I was about to do something wrong she would just give me that piercing look with one eyebrow raised and I would immediately stop. I did't stop because I knew I would get in trouble. I stopped because I didn't want to disappoint. Maybe that is why I don't seem to be able to say no to anyone when they ask me to do something.
Back to the snow day- I kept thinking all day how pretty our house must have been in all the snow! I need to put pictures up of our house...will do that soon I hope! As you can see, I am not so good at putting pictures on my blog (I know it makes for a boring blog)
2 comments:
Well...I can't tell you how familiar your post sounds to me. I have had so many of those emotions about my mother and I was also the kid who didn't have to get spanked because of a look they gave..however, they still did. They disciplined us all the same way. I also think it's perfectly normal to be envious of some things like you've mentioned but I do think we should pray that it stops.lol it can't be healthy or God driven. =-) I have those feelings for sure about people with children and I know I shouldn't. I also KNOW that you have what it takes to wait the four years. You've been such an inspiration in other things that you've accomplished so far and I know that you can do this. Believe in yourself like we believe in you. :-) I will be praying!!
Girl, I can relate! The people pleasing and the 'green eye' (what I call envying what others have). It's definitely a struggle, so you aren't alone.
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